Flying

Many of you know that I recently attended a healthcare professionals conference in San Diego,which was a real thrill. Due to busy schedules, however, I had to fly to the west coast and back in less than 72 hours. I don’t often fly and when I do, my flights are rarely so lengthy. My time in the air has allowed me to make some observations about the etiquette of air travel that others may find helpful, specifically if they are also non frequent fliers, like myself.

First, let me set the stage. My flights on Wednesday and Friday were not actually on air planes. They were on what is called air buses. As a general rule, I have avoided buses since the sixth grade as they seem to be a slightly less sophisticated mode of transportation. While you may call me a snob, I ask you when was the last time you saw paparazzi swarm an arriving Greyhound. Additionally, the air buses that I flew recalled a particular expression that my parents and grandparents used to use to describe crowded vehicles: “belly to belly”. Belly. To. Belly. I don’t know about you, but I can live through a brushed knee or an awkwardly shared armrest, but if my belly is touching your belly, we have a really serious problem. Serious as in I am looking for the exit door. Good -bye -cruel -world kind of problem.

A few things to contemplate when travelling a “belly to belly” air BUS:

1. I can see you. Don’t pick your nose. Don’t scratch your balls. Don’t groom any form of facial hair in any fashion. They’re called eyes, people. We are jammed in here together and I can see you.

2. For the gentlemen in particular: don’t bring, wear or associate yourself in any way with a neck pillow and expect to be ever seen as attractive or masculine again. By purchasing the pillow ahead of time and bringing it on board loudly communicates that you are delicate. And wanting a nappy-poo. The anticipation of your own potential discomfort doesn’t make you an Eagle Scout here, it just reminds us of a hemorrhoid donut - near your face.

3. For the LOVE OF GOD, if you do have a neck pillow, you should not be allowed to sit in the exit row. We already know you are no one’s Harrison Ford.

4. You have the right to lower your seat back. Into my row. For the entirety of the flight. You do. You should also expect to be clotheslined at baggage claim.

5. Flight attendants: most men over 60 have an enlarged prostate. If they aren’t seated in the aisle, don’t serve them liquid. Please. They are pissing of the neck pillows with all their ups and downs.

6. Upon purchasing an airplane ticket, one should have to complete some form of spatial relations test. I don’t know traveller’s think they are kidding trying to bring Wilt Chamberlain’s coffin protocol for the overhead bin, but I can tell you that if I get hit with it upon disembarkation, they too can expect a clothes line.

7. Another caution:  if you are not in the window seat, do NOT act like an eight year old trying to find your house from 30, 000 feet. It isn’t much but it is my personal space. Get out of it.

8. Finally, if I have to use the bathroom (God forbid), kindly swiftly stand up and step aside. Don’t make me wake you, neck pillow. Neither of us want that.

Please keep in mind these rules are for in flight only. I have a plethora of others for TSA check behavior and baggage claim etiquette.  But I think that’s enough for now.

Fly HOPE Air.

Thirteen years ago today was a day that took my breath away. In past blogs, I have mentioned by beautiful niece, Casey. Tomorrow, February 20th, she will turn 13. Every child’s birthday is a milestone and an opportunity to celebrate their growth and accomplishments. Casey’s birthdays are admittedly an extra special celebration for those of us that love her because we can reflect upon all that she has overcome.

What I am remembering tonight, however, is the feelings I had on this day thirteen years ago. Today was the day we found out that Casey was no longer thriving and she had to come out. Tomorrow.  This new date put Casey only two weeks premature, but the necessity of taking her out of the womb to “take her chances” in the outside world was a terrifying reality.  We already knew about Casey’s heart condition but none of us, doctors included, were really quite sure what else might be going on with her. There were plenty of horrific possibilities and minimal assurances that they wouldn’t occur.

As I think back on this day, thirteen years later, I think I can better articulate my feelings. And there is a reason why I want to do that. When we found out that Casey would be arriving in the next 24 hours, I felt like I was getting on an airplane, going on a trip. All of a sudden, I was boarding, filing in with other uncertain passengers. I had baggage that I wasn’t sure where to store. I didn’t know where to sit. The people around me seemed nice enough, yet I wanted NOTHING to do with them. Why were they on this flight with me? Once sitting, I was taken back about the seeming inadequacy of the lap belt. A flight attendant was talking about exits I couldn’t see and oxygen masks I wasn’t sure I could manage.

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, we take off.  Why is it so shocking/ exhilarating when it happens when you’ve known it was coming? My stomach dropped. Ground is getting further and further away and I am having a hard time hearing. We are really off here in a confusing blend of thrill and terror.

As we level of to our “cruising altitude”, I have more thirst than I have ever known and yet the professionals on this flight offer me what seems like a thimble full of liquid.  How can they not see my profound needs?

And then there is turbulence. Holy Hell! I was beginning to acclimate to this plane, this flight, and we are dropping, we are bouncing, I am c.l.u.t.c.h.i.n.g. The turbulence is over pretty quickly, but the memory is lasting. Will it come back? Will it be worse?

It is the turbulence that leads every passenger of every flight EVER to ask (don’t lie, you do), what in the hell holds this plane up anyway? If you are an aeronautical engineer, please don’t ruin it. The gen pop among us question how we remain suspended in air. It seems unfathomable.

Getting back to thirteen years ago today, I remember anticipating the turbulence and wondering what would hold each of us up in the air? A precious baby was being born and the universe had already dealt her an unfortunate hand. How would we reach the destination of her growth and health? Where would we land? Every day I see patients and families that ask these questions.

Casey’s thirteenth birthday isn’t the only reason I am having these thoughts. This week, a young boy at our elementary school was diagnosed with a very scary and aggressive cancer. He is in first grade. I don’t know this family personally and I don’t share his story pretending in any way that it is my own. Being a part of a tight and loving community, however, there is some element of all us sharing in each other's joys and battles.

This precious little boy’s family just got on the plane. They didn’t even know they would be flying that day. Every day, families board planes they weren’t expected to fly. Without warning, they have been herded into what feels like a very small and nauseating place and they are taking off.  My guess is that as they watched the ground become more and more distant, they wondered why they had to leave that familiar place.

I can’t help but think about the turbulence that awaits them on their very very long trip. I pray the “professionals on board” will give them the needed fluid, food, oxygen, and probable barf bag.

But as they hang in the atmosphere, if I could share one thing with them that I learned thirteen years ago today, or thirty years ago when I had cancer, or last week when I met the most wonderful young woman with ALS, or so many other times,  is that I have learned what is keeping the plane in the air.

HOPE.

The plane will not, can not crash as long as HOPE keeps it suspended. The phrase, if you keep hope alive, it will keep you alive, is the absolute truth. What I cannot promise this sweet and scared family and what none of us can have promised, is where the plane might land. What I can assure them, and you, and me when I need it is the uncomfortable plane can’t crash while HOPE keeps it in the sky.

Tomorrow my family will get together to celebrate Casey’s thirteenth birthday and it will be extra sweet this year. As we blow out her candles and offer gratitude for her safe landing, we will also blow some HOPE into the sky. Those of us that have ridden a plane suspended and protected by HOPE, I think it is our responsibility to put in back into the air.

P.S. If you are so inclined to support the Pope family and their sweet son, Wyatt, please follow #wywystrong

Make Me Immortal

Hopespotters: Happy New Year! It has been a long time since we have connected. I am sorry about that.

My reason for being gone so long, ties into today’s topic. The sad truth is I am a perfectionist living in an imperfect world and living a wonderfully imperfect life. I actually wear a cuff every day that says “abandon perfect” - a phrase I tried to coin. I wanted to encourage myself and others to not spend so much time worried about perfection and, instead, to dive right into whatever is inspirational.  My heart screamed, “Don’t worry about doing it perfectly. Just DO IT” (sorry, Nike). My head and my habits, however, pulled back the reigns, “If you don’t make it just right it’s just NOT worth it”.  This is a daily battle for me and the struggle is real for many of us, I know. There is SO much more to discuss on this topic, but I only bring it up as the preface for today’s blog: I am sorry I have been gone so long. I was waiting to write something perfect. I have decided to just write, because connecting with each of you is far more important, and I know that.

So today, I went to a patient’s funeral. Given what I do, you can imagine that this opportunity would come up a lot.  Perhaps surprisingly, I actually don’t go to a lot of funerals. First, I still have to work 8+ hours every day and most often I am not able to fit in this time away.  Secondarily, there are times when I struggle with my presence at a funeral. I firmly believe that funerals are only about the deceased and their loved ones. When the “hospice nurse” shows up, there’s a lot of lovely gratitude offered, but a bit of a shift of focus away from the real heroes of the recent battle. And finally, honestly, I believe in the hope and good that hospice provides. I believe in good deaths. The raw grief that is palpable at most funerals, however, erodes a bit of my momentum in “spreading the word”. Like all resources, I have to preserve my reservoir of optimism.

I went to the funeral today because the deceased’s wife asked me to come and I have grown fond of her in the past months. What you need to understand about today’s deceased is he was a world renowned physicist, theorist, teacher and writer. He met with Albert Einstein. He wrote about the space time continuum and I have to confess I didn’t even understand his obituary, in terms of his accomplishments. What I did get is this sweet, humble man who spoke to me very little because of his need to preserve his breath, was like Nobel prize-esque, “Big Bang Theory” kind of smart. His funeral was populated with the elite of quantum studies, students and theorists, alike.

What the funeral brought out to me, as funerals will do, is what makes one immortal?

In the month of January, so many of us contemplate resolutions: what can make be better? How can I be “perfect”? Lose weight? Work out more? Get organized? Quit smoking? Do ‘x’ less? Do ‘x’ more? It’s like a Lenten false start in mapping how we think we can be better.

My friends, I wanted to make all of those resolutions this year, and then some.  I wanted to be “perfect”. I wanted to be perfect and then wear my “abandon perfect” cuff around and pretend like my personal expectations were no big deal.  

Today’s deceased was immortalized by his loved ones for his brain, teaching, writing and then his humility, kindness, and love for his wife.  I am happy for him. His illness dealt him with the worst of respiratory circumstances and he handled it with dignity and grace.

What I, as a HOPEspotter, stood by the grave questioning was, what makes me immortal? Given my “gift for the gab” I promise each of you (that I know) that I could authentically and sincerely eulogize you. By loving you, I am SURE I know what makes you immortal.

But what I think what might make you immortal, may be very different than what you hope for your own legacy.  As I think about my own resolutions and my work towards them, I feel compelled to pause and think, are these efforts in keeping with my desired legacy?

For real, not lofty: what makes YOU immortal? Your work? Your kids? Your friendships? Your philanthropy ? As a list forms about immortality, the common new year’s resolutions like weight loss, organization, cessation rarely make that list.

I like to blog with answers and certainties. Perhaps I’d like to be a sage more than a blogger… Today’s experience, especially capitulated by walking around the graveyard and seeing the tombstones of women my age, or children, forced me to ask the unanswerable: am I, are we, spending more energy on the temporary bonuses of resolutions or are each of us recommitting every day to building our legacy and establishing our immortality?

It comes down to what Stephen Covey asks in the opening chapter of “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”. Picture your own funeral. The guests. The reactions. The comments made.  

And before you beat yourself up about an incompletely accomplished New Year's Resolution, contemplate your legacy and what will make you immortal.  Immortality and legacy deserve your attention and strength. Resolutions for personal improvement are nice, but please, abandon perfect. It is highly overrated.

I missed you.  I HOPE to see you soon.